bahagiakah pregnant?

Ada org rasa best je..
Sbb xrasa pape,
Rs mcm biasa je
Tau2 da beranak..

Tp kalo mcm aku ni..
Being pregnant...
Mmg kna kuat..
Hyperem truk..
Reflux truk..

Kuatkn hati je la..
Org yg xrasa blh la ckp..
Utk org yg rasa,
Hanya Allah yg tau
Pengorbanan ini

Mungkin Allah janjikn yg lbh baik nnt..

Tgk mcm msa pregnant kt faqih..
Dugaan besar..
Hampir give up jd doctor..
Tp Allah Maha Penyayang..
Faqih very good boy..
Alhamdulillah xbyk mslh nk jga..
Mungkin sbb Allah da bg rs susah dlu
So skg dipermudahkn..

Bercinta la menguatkn semangt nk keje mlm..
Iye,mmg kdg2 jga green zone je..
Org len pn ckp,ala green zone je
Rileks la..
Tp kalo da jonah tu,
Mcm mna nk buat

Time tu la fresh case oscc
Time tu la case pelik2..
Time tu la patient kt green nk collapse
Org xpernah rs mmg xkn faham..

Hanya Allah la penguat semangat aku
Setiap kali nelangkah pergi keje,
Hati ni berdoa je supaya Allah mudahkn..

Tp kn,
If xbrape nk bz pun,
Blk keje collapse jgk..
I need double time to refresh compare dgn ms xpregnant..

Xpe la..
ALLAH tau aku mampu ke x..

interview

Rasa mcm da lma gile xg interview
Smlm interview by pengarah jabatan amalan perubatan kkm..
Haha..i really have no idea keje admin mcm mna..
Becoz xpenah keje admin..
First2 je dia tanya,is it correct your ic number started with 88?
Yes,i'm sure it's mine..
How come ur age so different with ur collegue?
Haha..aku mls nk jwb sbb PTS tu..
So aku diamkn je..
Tanye lg,btw,before i forget,when is ur due?
Haha..aku da agak,sure la diorg tanye..
Mcm goreng je aku jwb..
Satu soalan xleh blah
Do u like presentation? 
Can u give lecture?
Ntah apa la mulut aku laju je jwb 'can'
Haha..
Pastu mula plak soalan personal..
What is ur hobby?
'sewing'
Expression muka diorg cm terkejot gle..
Yes..i love sewing..
Next question plak,
Do u have any siblings in medical line?
Where are they working?
Kah2.. Xkn aku nk tipu..
Reveal je la angah keje kt situ..
Then, do u love doing locum?
No,i prefer do something else
Are u sure?
Yes,very sure..
Muka diorg mcm xcaya je kt aku

To be continue

ya Ramadhan..

Harini da 9ramadhan..
I'm struggling for fasting..
For the first time puasa ms pregnant..
Mencabar....
Dgn bekerja lg..
Hanya Allah yg tahu..

Patotkah aku sedeh sbb beberapa nikmat ditarik?
Atau ada hikmah disebaliknya?

Dlu excited puasa ble fkr time buka..
Skg nk buka puasa pun pk byk kali nk mkn apa
Supaya perut xmeragam..
Pastu xleh mkn byk pun
Mkn sket je da rs full sgt2..
Mungkin ini la yg Allah nk aku rs..
Mkn ala kadar,
Xikut nafsu..
Melihat org lain mkn,
Aku rs seronok..
Aku nk mkn pun jenuh paksa diri..
Just for u baby..
Bkn takat mkn je,
Nk minum byk pun xleh..
Even aku sgt haus,
Tp perut xmuat..
Byk sgt ajar aku jadi sabar..
Semoga aku terus diberi kekuatan utk puasa..
Amiin..

terrible~

Tgk org lain mengandung,
Mcm uneventful je..
Tp ble diri sndri mengadung..
Hanya Allah je la yg tau..
How terrible it is..
Awal pregnancy haritu..
Mcm gile rasanya bekerja dgn hyperem..
Org ckp nmpk ok je..
Hakikatnye sape tau brape kali g toilet muntah2..
Org ckp xnmpk pun muntah..
Mestilah..
Xkn la aku nk muntah dpn org..
Sure cari toilet..

Da la dgn dugaan ms mengandung..
Kalo dlu kna caci maki sume sbb mengandung ms housemanship..
Skg plak org buat jadual tu mmg xpk ke aku mengandung? 
Tp aku kerja je selagi larat..
Aku rs kt mna2 pun mmg ni la nasib aku..
Ape la sumpahan teruk sgt..
Mcm sepanjang hidup teraniaya..
Dari zaman sekolah lg..
I will never forget it..
Zaman2 difitnah..
Zaman2 dimaki,dihina..

Somehow,
I always think..
Mana perginye diri aku yg dlu..
Iye sumpahan tu melenyapkn diri aku
Tp Allah Maha Kuasa
Despite all this things..
Aku jd jgk doktor..

How should i forget..
How terrible my life..
Ingt zaman student dlu..
Mcm mati belajar..
Can't sleep at night..
Hanya blh ttdo lpas azan subuh..

Mcm2 la dugaan hidup ni
Skg plak rs keje xbest..
Environment yg xbest..
I dunno what should i do..

berkat ke x?

Since hati aku tgh berapi2 ni..
Meh simpan sket kt cni..
Iye aku tau,rezeki berkat ke x tu Allah je yg tau..
Tp kita patut berusaha ke arah itu..

Satu lg aku ni mmg kuat ingatan la
I would never forget apa benda jahat org buat kt aku
Sampai bila aku nk biar sume ni?
Kenapa dunia ni x adil?
Orang keep cakap aku ni emo
Emo x emo?
Hak aku tetap hak aku
Dah nyata xadil,
Kenapa sume masih berdiam..
Kat tempat kerja pun da mcm ni
Ptot la seluruh dunia mmg jadi xadil
Sori to say la
Org kata dia baik sgt..
Tp org yg baik ni la xadil ngn aku
Pada dia benda kecik je
Tp pada aku??
Haih..
Aku masih xfaham kenapa benda xadil ni pun nk berdiam lg?
Dulu mmg dia xadil pada aku..
Org lain sume dpt cuti seminggu dua..
Aku???
Xdpt cuti !!!!!!
Sbb apa? 
Konon2 xcukup org nk kerja..
Nape aku slalu jadi mangsa?? 

Pasal jadual plak
Totally unfair
Dia xkeje pm or on
Dia dpt solid off day
Dia weekend n ph sume cuti
Dia dpt gaji yg sama mcm org lain
Dia punye working hours berbeza 30-40 hours dgn org lain
Dia jarang sgt la nk masuk shift
Kalo da mcm tu,xpyh keje kn??
Jadi kerani je?
Dia xleh nk tlg org lain pun if ada cme ke apa..

Haih,mna la aku xberdendam ngn org mcm ni
Remember,kn da dpt balasan
ALLAH bg peringatan tu

Again~

I'm dying again..
I'm so suffered..
Oh Allah..
Berapa lama lg begini?
Aku xmampu..
Feel like screaming...
I'm so helpless..
Crying without reason..
This pounding heart is killing me..
I'm suffering..
I'm so suffered..
Seolah2 tiada pengakhiran..
Please help me..
The pain is killing me

Something yg aku mmg xnk..
Tp ble org letak..
Nk buang blk..
Sgt menyakitkn..
Kenapa aku kna lalui sume ni??

hidup di alam mimpi

Fuyoo
Tajuk mcm apa je..
Tp inilah realiti..
Sometimes..
Aku harap sgt..
Bila tdo,
Xde mimpi pape..
So baru la tdo lena
Bgn pun rs segar..

Ini x..
Tdo mimpi tah pape..
Berjalan sana sini..
And part plg xbest..
Most of the time..
Mimpi ngeri..

Andai aku dpt kawal nk mimpi ke x..
Pasti la aku pilih x..

Ble da mimpi ngeri,
Mimpi tu keep bersambung2..
Sampi aku nk tdo the next day pun rs ngeri..
Sbb tu la aku ckp..
Hidup di alam mimpi..
Bgn je tdo..
Penat gle2..
Mcm xtdo..sadis2
Semoga mlm ni xmimpi..huhu

why i'm not so energetic?

Hurm..
Pregnant kali ni rs lg xbertenaga..
Padahal dlu time HO super penat..
And i push myself to the limit..
Maybe this time sbb aku da jd MO,
Mind setting lain da..
Penat gle..
Ke keje ED mmg penat? 
Sbb pts sentiasa ada..
And we can never expect how many patient yg akan dtg..
Blk keje je collapse..
Xtau la nape..
Time xpregnant pun cmtu..
Time pregnant lg la kn..
Moga terus bertenaga..
N trus sihat..
Sbb da xmau masuk wad..huhu
Tp satu lg,
Kali ni rs pemalas nk mkn obimin..huhu
Harap2 HB xdrop la..

fav food..hehe

This pregnancy i had too many new fav food n drinks..hehe
Mana la bdn xnaik..

Lemon ice
Green apple kasturi+asamboy
Strawberry milkshake
Mango milkshake
Sirup ros+cinnamon flavour
Caramel choc ice blended

Golden crisp chicken kt secret recipe
Quarter meal kenny roger , macaroni cheese
Nasi ayam penyet
Homemade salad
Cheesy wedges kfc
Kerabu mangga

Haih..gatal g tulis ni
Da terliur2..haha

sabar..sudah hampir ke penghujungnya~

Dengan izin Allah..
Kita akan dilindungi..
Waiting for the final part..
Persoalannya..
Akan berakhir kah kisah derita ini?
Apakah sebenarnya maksud ayat
"rahsia tetap rahsia"
Tp andai ble tahu rahsia itu jd lebih derita,
Maka biarlah ia rahsia selamanya..

Menunggu last person blk..
Menunggu misteri selanjutnye..
Everything fresh in my memory

InsyaAllah..
Pasti ada pelangi..
Setelah ribut petir melanda..
Hanya padaMu ya Allah
Aku bergantung padaMu
Berilah kekuatan utk aku terus sabar menahan derita ini..

i'm not that fussy

Ada jgk nk kena fire ngn aku pg2 ni..
If i call u,
I mintk tlg off kn branula je..
Sbb apa? 
Sbb da thrombose n inflammed..
Eh, tu pun byk tnye..
Siap ckp lg,
Doctor ada antibiotic
Tunggu pakar round tgh ari..
Gle ke apa? 
Ko nk tunggu temp spike?
Da la berdenyut2 sakit even xbuat pape..
Off je la..
Pastu tnye lg, 
Doctor xkisah ke nnt kna cucuk lg?
Eh..
Whatever it is,
Kalo da thrombose,
Sure kna off..
Argghhh..aku nk angin da ni

Da la smlm buat aku angin jgk..
Siap tnye lg,
Doctor mmg xnk amik ye mentholfor inhalation ni?
Eh3..
Mcm mana nk amik
Kalo dari pg sampi ptg,
Mintak air pnas pun xdpt..
Hampeh..
Too bad
Ur service too slow..

Eh,buat aku sakit hati la..
Buat penat laki aku bayar,
Korg treat mcm ni je..
Kalo korg nk kata aku ni byk songeh pun,
Suka hatila
Da kitorg bayar..
Ko buat je la keje

Haih..marah2..

recovery..i guess..

Waiting for my love to come..
Kalo x admit kt sini,
Sure xbuat scope..
Td bt scope br nmpk ada pus kt maxillary sinus..
Situ la rupenye source of infection..
So iv augmentin started..
Feel better
No documented fever since admission
Tunggu nk repeat fbc esok..
Nk jgk blk since mak nk dtg..
Xtau la if kna keje..
Senang je ..
Kalo collapse,diorg resus..
Tp kekuatan diri sndri la..

Fikir blk..
Da tiga bulan berturut2 aku ada mc..
Tp sumenye reason lain2..
Tp bkn aku blh jangka pun sakit ni..
Dugaan..
Seksa sakit ni..
Da la branula susah..
ALLAH,
Berilah aku kekuatan..
Aku xmampu nk lalui sume ni..
Hanya padaMu aku bergantung..

yes..i'm dying..

Admitting myself to private hospital..
I'm crazy..
I can't stand anymore..
So painful..
Eventhough i know it is so painful to be poke so many time..
But for now,
This is the safest place for me..
Until everything end..

Oh Allah..
I can't stand this hidden pain..
The pain that other person can't see..
Only me that can feel..
I could say my house is haunted..
Oh Allah..
Please save my husband n son..
Please protect them..
Don't let them feel whatever i feel..
Becoz it is too painful..

I'm sorry..
Tomorrow my family will come..
But i am in the ward..

life must go on..

Alhamdulillah
Setelah sekian lama..
Sikit demi sikit semakin baik..
Hanya Allah yg tahu..
How difficult my life..
Until at one point..
I almost gave up..
To face the pain..
To face the unexplained symptom that i have..
No one could believe it if they never witness it..

Bear in mind..
Semuanye kuasa Allah..
Ini semua dugaan hidup..
Bersabarlah..
Pasti ada manisnya..

tatkala teringat zaman HO

Housemanship?
Kalo dgr je,rs mcm terrible..
Tp bkn sume posting xbest..
Contoh posting yg best mcm surgery, peads n a&e..
O&g mmg paling xbest..
Medical best tp bz gilerrrr..hehe
Ortho bkn la xbest, tp aku xsuke dfu..haha
It is amazing..
Ble fikir blk,mcm xsangka u can go through..
The best part, abes ho aku ada sorg anak..
Sesuatu yg xpenah aku fikir dlu
And the toughest is going through eod oncall 36 hours in medical..
Hohoho..
Kalo skg bg aku buat, xde stamina da..
Hahaha..
Part yg paling penuh dgn adrenaline rush adalah ms active call nicu..
Gile palpitation pgg telefon puaka tu
Muahahaha..
Tp really enjoy it..hehe

So, ble ada org ckp it is hard to go thru ho,
Yeah,definitely..
It is not easy..
Full of adventure..
Yg xsuke kalo kna maki / word abuse by mulut2 longkang..
Smpi skg aku ingt lg every single word..
Mcm nightmare pun ada..
Mcm mna la mulut diorg blh jahat sgt..
Aku ni nk ckp org lembab pun xsampi hati..
Tu yg xbest tu..
Nk marah ho pun rs mcm dlu aku pun xsuke kna marah..
So aku cuba utk xmarah..hehe
Budget baik la sgt..haha

Apepun, bersabarlah..
Kalo xleh, luahkn la pada sape2..
Blh giler simpan stress sorg2..

tatkala dugaan datang melanda..

Apa nk buat ni..
Rasa nk amik cuti panjang..
Rasa nk setelkn everything..
I'm suffering..
Really suffer..
I want to be a normal person..
I'm dying..
I'm losing my hope..
Everyday i said to myself..
Just ignore whatever you feel..
Go to work..
There is nothing will happen..
But u know..
Fighting ur own feeling is the most difficult thing
Controlling urself..
So that others can't control u..
Hang in there please..
Be strong..
Coming soon..
U will see the rainbow..
This is only for a while..

Oh Allah..
Aku lemah tanpaMu..
Berapa lama lg..
Aku sendiri pun xtau..
Hanya meredah apa saja di depan mata..
Aku mahu hidup seperti org lain..
Tp kalo ini mmg sudah termaktub..
Aku redha..
Hidup yg penuh dgn pahit..
I'm suffering..
Really suffer...

I feel like i'm dying~

Allahuakbar...
Hanya Allah mengetahui apa yg aku rasa..
Everytime i fall asleep,
I will have nightmare..
Mimpi yg penuh dgn misteri..
I'm tired having life like this..
Bilakah sume ini akan berakhir?
I dun feel like a normal person..
Something is going on..
But i dun know what it is...

Oh Allah..
Please give me strength..
To live my live..
I feel so helpless...
I dun know to whom i should share..

Thanks to my friend which my ex roomate..
For hearing my problem
She is the one who always with me whenever i'm having this problem during university life..

Sometimes i couldn't stand the pounding heart without any reason..
I feel so restless..
How should i explain..
Nobody will understand it..

But bear in mind..
Whoever look down to me..
She or he will know if  they are in my shoes..
So, never judge me..
Becoz u are not in my shoes..

Whatever it is.
Listening to manzil,ruqyah n azan really makes me feel better..
Makes me feel calm..

Oh Allah..
Please end everything as i'm not so strong to face it anymore..

hilang respect

Urm..aku ni asyik depress la,stress la, tension la,mcm2 la
Bak kata org tu,aku ni negative sgt..
Sbb tu sume bnde aku dpt pun negative..
So easy kn dia judge aku?
Bad things always happened
Nk pulak tu jadi selalu time ms aku tgh good mood sgt..
Bygkn dtg keje mmg dlm hati kerana Allah,ikhlaskn hati,senyum,pakai baju baru,
But...
It always ended dgn sad things..
Xpernah nk salahkn takdir..
Tp aku terima je mcm ni..
Sbb hidup aku dr dlu mmg mcm ni
Mcm2 jadi..
Org yg judge aku tu xpenah tau pun ape susah payah hidup aku..
Aku hormat sgt dia sblm ni
Somehow ble dia judge aku cmtu,dia mmg xpaham la senang kata..
Seolah2 dia berkata sbb dia ckp n fkr bnde baik,sbb tu apa yg dia dpt sume baik2..
Abes tu aku ni xnk bnde baik2 ke?
Mcm yg aku ckp la,xde org nk something bad happened to them..
But Allah already choose them to face it..
Trust me..
If dia hadapi apa yg aku alami skg, then u will think twice..
Never look down to other person
There must be somerhing hidden..
No one knows what i'm facing now..
But i always pray that everything will end up nicely..

Passed? Reviva? Extend?

Hurm..start2 entry je da mengeluh..

Aritu viva time post pm shift..

Kepala tgh serabut..

Mlm xtdo..

Risau anak yg masih xsihat lg..

Ntah pape jawab masa tu..

Sgt2 blank and blur masa tu..

Sesungguhnye Allah telah mengatur segalanya..

Sgt byk kali kot tulis pasal parkland formula..

Tp xterkuar jgk dr mulut..

Dan tetibe viva lg hari ni

And aku post pm lg..

Apekah yg akan terjadi?

Harap2 everything ok..

Yeah..i need to admit..

I look so stupid when i'm sitting in front

I dun know why i can't think anything..

Oh Allah..hanya Kau Maha Mengetahui seberat mana ujian yg mampu aku lalui..

Look at the bright side~

Yes!!look at the bright side..

Eventhough yesterday there might be a person that make u feel down to the earth,

Please look at the bright side..

All your achievement throughout ur life..

Started with ur kindergarden

U got 1st place in ur class..

During your standard 1..u got 1st place also..

Standard 2,1st place also..

But, with your minimal failure, u got 17th place..

That was my first failure and i was very sad..

Then during standard 3,you passed ur PTS exam..

Which made u 'jump" into standard 5..

In UPSR, i only managed to get 4A 1B..

Again,i faced my failure..

Then i entered secondary school..

I always be the best student,

Always got the highest mark..

Then PMR, i got 9A..

Then i managed to entered boarding school..

During my form4,i still not able to catch up with new environment..

But, i promised to myself,

I should be able to do it..

During my form 5, i was among the top 10 student

But, SPM i only got 9A1B

I choose not to go to overseas..

I entered matriculation..

I got 4 flat for the 1st sem

And 3.9 for 2nd sem

You had many victory in ur life..

Please dont feel down just becoz yesterday someone said that u are stupid..

He might not having victory like u have..

For me, he is fail to be a man..

Living alone..

Not married..

No wife, no children..ur life must be so bored 

until u need to curse everyone everyday..