a piece of holiday and loneliness....

i never thought that i will have 5days for holiday..

felt like very long holiday..

that the only holiday that i got..

too much things to do..

i managed to cut three kurung moden..

good enough..

and also i can cooked anything that i want to eat..

lots of fun with saiful and aliah..

but it's already end..

despite having all the fun..

there is something make me feel lonely..

where was him?

he seem too bz..

maybe i'm not so important..

that really make me sad..

i dun hope anything from u..

i'm scared to place some hope..

can i just hate you?

can i just throw all my thoughts about u?

can i act like you are not here?

it's really difficult when u are there..

but i need to act like u are not there..

i can't lie to myself..

i dunno how to solve it..

i already give u some solution..

but i dun think you can make it..

let's just dun hope for anything..

let's put u aside..

let's dun think about u..

let's live ur life...

dun let anyone make u sad or make u down..

alhamdulillah for everything

thank you Allah..

today will be very hard if i dun have you..

i really depend on you..

i really worry that my minicx will not finish..

i already thinking what other solution i have..

included the bad one..

but my superego surely won't let me doing bad things..

alhamdulillah..Allah heard my prayer..

i really feel relieved..

big relieved..

i know you are there for me..

it just me..

that sometimes forgot about you..

how selfish i am..

pray,pray and pray..

belief that Allah will help you..

****END OF INTERNAL MED POSTING***

i'm glad..alhamdulillah..

afterall..

i feel really grateful that finally..

i found one study group that really convenient to me..

really love the study group..

i dun have any pressure or stress to come to study group..

but i feel more excited to come..

thanks friends for inviting me to join ur study group..

really benefit to me..

enjoy study together..

everyone seems completing each other..

no more scare to present..

they will accept what you present..

they will correct u if u are wrong..

the best is they will never let you down..

instead of it..

they will make u more understand the concept behind..

i fall in love with my study group..

when you dun have the spirit~

i should say this is very bz week..

i'm tired..

oncal EOD..(although not tired like real doctor)

but i'm still very2 tired..

i need some rest..

but i need to study for the learning issues and for each question that i couldn't answer..

i feel really tired..

to the extend BURNOUT..

last week also oncall EOD..

plz la..as a student, there are a lot of other things that i need to do..

becoz too tired..

i fall sick..

the result is i can't focus to teaching..

becasue i feel malaise,headache and low grade fever with a lot of sputum production..

but i can't take MC..

after almost 5 years in medical school..

i realized something..

medical student always sick..

but sometimes they still need to come to the class even though they have MC..

pityful right?

i always talk to myself..

at the end..

dun forget that we also human..

sometimes i need to force myself to come to the class..

i still remember the time i got viral fever..

imagine that u have all bodyache..

very painful if u want to move..

but i still need to come..

because we got exam..

doctor difficult to reschedule the exam if i absent even with the MC..

i dun deny that medical is very tough..

this is only the beginning..

there is still long journey for u to go through..

plz..be tougher..

Di situ Ada Ketenangan..

aku buntu..

apa yg perlu dilakukan..

kadang2 rasa xtenang..

jawapannya kembalilah pada Allah..

di situ ada ketenangan yang abadi..(ayat xleh blah..hahaha)

but, this is real..if never try, u can try it..

mungkin xtenang sbb byk dosa..

tp siapa tau byk mana dosa dia..

jadi..sentiasalah bertaubat..

Sumber rujukan: Solat Taubat (Panduan Penjernihan Jiwa)
Muhammad Isa Selamat

ALLAH swt sentiasa memerintahkan kita supaya bertaubat, sebagaimana firman-Nya yang bermaksud: “Hai orang-orang yang beriman, bertaubatlah kepada Allah dengan taubat yang sebenar.” (At-Tahrim: 8.)

Allah telah membuka pintu harapan kepada hamba-hambaNya: “Katakanlah; wahai hamba-hambaKu yang melampaui batas terhadap diri mereka sendiri janganlah kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya Allah mengampunkan dosa-dosa semuanya. Sesungguhnya Dialah yang Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Penyayang.” (Az-Zumar: 53)

Syarat-syarat taubat :

1. Ikhlas ingin bertaubat
2. Tidak akan mengulangi perbuatan dosa itu lagi
3. Menyesal atas perbuatan yang telah dilakukan
4. Harus mempunyai tekad di dalam hati tidak akan melakukan dosa itu untuk selama-lamanya
5. Dikerjakan sebelum ajal tiba

Jika salah satu syarat tidak dipenuhi, maka taubat yang dilakukan itu tidaklah sah. Jika dosa berkaitan dengan manusia yang lain, maka syaratnya ditambah lagi, iaitu harus dapat membebaskan diri dari hak orang yang berkaitan. Contohnya jika hal itu berbentuk harta, harus dikembalikan. Jika berbentuk hukuman, ia harus menyerahkan diri mohon dimaafkan. Jika hal berupa cacian dan sebagainya, maka ia harus memohon keredhaannya.

Waktu melaksanakan taubat :

Taubat tidak boleh diundur-undur atau ditunda. Kerana jika demikian ia sangat berbahaya bagi hati manusia. Jika tidak segera menyucikan diri sedikit demi sedikit, maka pengaruh dosa itu akan bertompok-tompok, dan akhirnya akan merosakkan hati sehingga tertutup dari cahaya kebenaran.

Di antara penyebab yang akan membangkitkan jiwa bertaubat seseorang itu adalah jiwa yang selalu mengingati hari kematian dan hidup bersendirian di dalam kubur. Kata-kata mati adalah sesuatu yang sangat menakutkan kebanyakan manusia. Mati beerti berpisah dengan segala yang disayangi atau dicintai. Hari terputusnya segala nikmat. Sedangkan berpisah sebentar sahaja dengan anak atau isteri, dapat mengalirkan air mata kesedihan, apa lagi berpisah untuk selamanya

Firman Allah: “Sesungguhnya kamu akan mati dan sesungguhnya mereka akan mati pula.” (Az-Zumar: 30)

Di samping mengingat tentang azab penderitaan yang bakal dihadapi oleh orang-orang yang berdosa mengingat kenikmatan syurga yang bakal ditempati oleh orang-orang yang soleh juga akan dapat membangkitkan keinginan jiwa untuk melakukan taubat dengan segera.

Cara melaksanakan solat taubat :

Cara melaksanakan solat taubat ini sama dengan solat biasa, iaitu setelah berwuduk dengan sempurna, lalu berdiri di tempat yang suci, menghadap kiblat;

• Waktu di lakukan – bila-bila masa merasa telah berbuat dosa (kecuali waktu makruh tahrim utk melakukan solat)*. Sebaik-baiknya 2/3 malam (pukul 2 pagi ke atas), semasa Qiyamullail
• Lafaz niat: “Sahaja aku mengerjakan solat sunat taubat dua rakaat kerana Allah Ta’ala.” (Cukup di dalam hati, ada perbahasan ulama’ tentang lafaz niat dlm ibadah – sila rujuk kpd pakar feqah)
• Rakaat pertama membaca (disunatkan membaca doa Iftitah) kemudian surah Al-Fatihah. Selepas itu mana2 ayat atau surah dalam al-Quran.
• Rakaat kedua membaca surah Al-Fatihah. Selepas itu mana2 ayat atau surah dalam al-Quran.
• Semasa sujud akhir rakaat kedua, ucapkanlah Doa Nabi Yunus sebanyak 40 kali (bersungguh-sungguh di dalam hati memohon keampunan dari Allah Ta’ala),



Ertinya: “Tidak ada Tuhan selain Engkau. Maha Suci Engkau Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku adalah termasuk orang-orang yang zalim.”

• Selepas salam, perbanyakkan istighfar seperti,

Ertinya: Ampunilah hamba Ya Allah. Tuhan yang Maha Agung. Tiada Tuhan yang lain melainkan hanya Engkau. Dialah Tuhan yang Maha Hidup lagi Maha Perkasa dan hamba bertaubat kepada Engkau ya Allah.

• dan berdoa dengan Penghulu Istighfar,

Ertinya: “Ya, Allah Engkaulah Tuhanku, Tidak ada Tuhan selain Engkau, Engkaulah yang menjadikan aku. Sedang aku adalah hamba-Mu dan aku di dalam genggaman-Mu dan di dalam perjanjian setia ( beriman dan taat ) kepada-Mu sekuat mampuku. Aku berlindung kepada-Mu dari kejahatan yang telah ku lakukan. Aku mengakui atas segala nikmat yang telah Engkau berikan kepada ku dan aku mengaku segala dosaku. Maka ampunilah aku. Sesungguhnya tidak ada yang dapat mengampuni segala dosa kecuali Engkau.”

p/s: selamat beramal di malam2 terakhir ramadhan..

mencari semangat yang hilang..

entah mengapa..

diriku hilang semangat..

begitu payah rupanya menghadapi kegagalan..

padahal hanya kegagalan yang kecil..

sangat kecil..

tula kalo xpernah gagal..

benda sekecil tu pu meruntuhkan semangat

tapi rupanya..

setelah berborak2 bersama kawan2..

barulah ku tahu..

mereka juga rasa apa yang aku rasa..

barulah aku tahu bahawa aku x keseorangan..

mereka juga menghadapi apa yang aku hadapi..

mereka juga rasa apa yang berlaku tidak adil..

tapi apa kami boleh buat..

terima sahaja apa yang terjadi..

walaupun pada hakikatnya kami mampu..

biarlah apa yang sudah terjadi..

pandanglah ke hadapan..

memang benar kata dia..

jika pandang ke belakang,

apa yang kita dapat??

kita xkan dapat merubah apa2 yang telah terjadi..

biarlah apa yang terjadi itu sebagai pengajaran..

sebagai ingatan yang kau perlu berusaha lagi..

tapi berkata di mulut memanglah mudah..

sedangkan hati yang melalui saat ini berasa sangat jerih..

tapi itulah hakikat yang perlu diterima..

pandanglah ke hadapan..dan terus maju ke hadapan..

semoga tabah dengan apa yang di tempuhi pada masa akan datang..

thinking of tomorrow~

tomorrow is my 2nd mini cex..

mixed feeling..

i'm scared to face it..

however..

today is a very good day..

which i learn a lot..

and at least i can answer when my doctor ask question..

so that i know my brain is actually functioning..

sometimes i dunno what i study..

i dunno what info that will stick in my mind..

pray for my success tomorrow..

i wish i can go home with happy heart..

no more sadness and failure..

take the past failure as a challenge..

not my fault~

hurm..someone really makes me feel irritable..

i'm sorry that i had to be rude to you..

but u also need to watch out ur words..

if u dun take care of others sensitivity issues,

so i also no need to care for u..

well..i guess sometimes i need to be straightforward..

or else u will not understand and repeat the same stupid things..

urm..now i know everyone feel that i'm treat others too kind till the other "step on my head"(haha..dunno in english what)

the first thing that makes me feel irritable is

you repeat the same question which the others had beed explaining on it..

i know everyone want to go back early..

but if u can't focus,

u will waste more time and finally u go back late..

for me,it's really show that u are not focusing

i feel irritated for it..

then,u keep saying that,let me put hte dialogue..

i dun care if u read this, becoz this is my blog..

"ala,mcm mana nak buat?da xde masa.."

'sempat jela..byk masa lg'

"ko xde study group boleh la"

'so what?kalo ada study group xleh buat ke?"

"nanti nak semayang terawih lagi"

'jangan nak salahkan semayang terawih plak'

u keep complaining and find excuses..

i really hate this..

i really can't accept people who use pray or islamic ritual as an excuse..

do you really pray all the time?

do you really go to surau everyday?

why all of sudden u need to use this excuses when u have to do some work?

really irritating right?????

i'm so sorry that i had already talk "rude" to you..

but u also rude to me..

fair enough rite?

i hate end of my good day wit this stupid things..

afterall..

actually today we are free..

nothing to do..

but i went to PPP in bandar tasik selatan..

since i dun get patient for home visit..

well..after many rejection..

i feel so scared and lost my confidence to approach patient..

i almost gave up..

but then..

i tried to a approach this middle age man..

he was very forthcoming..

fortunately, he gave the permission for home visit..

at least, one of my target today was accomplished..

then,

back to my room..

searching for all my exam result from 1st yr till now..

since next week i have mentor mentee session..

finally, i found out all of them..

i'm very tired..

feeling not well..

last nite i got bronchospasm after eating kcg tanah..

i had noise breeathing and difficulty to breath..

however there was no rhonchi..

my frenz want to bring me to A&E..

but i refused..

becoz i just go there last week..

i decided to take piriton only..

then gradually feel better and i fall asleep till morning..

this evening i want to go home..

hope everything go smoothly..

and finally..

it's friday again^__^

u never know bad i feel.....

well..today i feel very bad..

i feel like want to scold someone..

dun u ever realize that all of u never concern what is really the matter?

it seems that u force me..

i know that i had been absent for many time..

it was unintention..

i do really have good reason for it..

becoz i need to prioritize which one is more important..

family comes first..

do i have to say NO to my mother just to satisfy all of u?

do i have to say NO to my younger siblings just becoz of ur program?

i also need some rest..

lately i always being not well..

it is difficult to explain here..

but believe me,

if u are in my condition,

u will not able to attend all the classes without any MC..

alhamdulillah i managed to go through all of these..

the pain only Allah knows..

u can never imagine it until u experienced it..

am i burnout???

urm..i dunno why..

lately i felt low mood and anhedonia towards study and reading books only..

hahaha..but,i love the practical works..

well..as u know, medicine is long life learning..

eventhough i know that our professional exam is really near (Mac 2011),

i still not having enough courage to study consistently..

actually i dun really have fear towards exam,

but i'm always thinking that am i able to be a safe doctor for my patient?

am i a competent doctor?

sometimes i felt that it is really big responsible that i need to face in future..

am i ready for it?

am i ready to sacrifice my energy and time for the sake of my job?

all these things make me scared..

sometimes it really hard for me..

sometimes i even think to the extend why i choose this profession?

even worse i think about changing profession..

but i know it is not worth if i change right now..

it's too late..

i always remind myself..dun ever feel regret for whatever you have chosen..

just go on with ur life..

everybody can be a doctor..

but make sure u become a SAFE and COMPETENT doctor..

in order to make it..

u need to study..theory is also important plus good clinical skills..

believes that u can do it!!!

result exam end posting o&g

tadi ada postmortem exam..

punyala aku risau nk tido mlm td xleh sbb pk lulus ke x..

alhamdulillah..lulus..

MCQ pass

OSCE pass quite well

counseling pass

but i know i can do better..

cuma sebab terlalu nervous..

membuatkan aku jadi thought block..

ada certain things xingat..

pas abes masa baru ingat..

tula exam punya penangan..

you should work harder..

you should be more confident..

believe that u can do it..

Merenung DiRi SeNdIrI..

tetibe arini rasa nk buat blog..maybe ni salah satu cara untuk aku melepaskan apa saja yg terbuku di hati..pergh..ayat xleh blah..hehe..

ni hari ke4 posting surgery..ak xtau nape trauma o&g masih xhilang lg..o&g buat ak rasa i'm very bad..menukarkan ak jadi org yg alwayz have negative thinking..sampi da pnat :) nk nasihat ak jgn pk byk sgt..haha..i think i love surgery..ak sgt suke ble dgr word 'gOOd',bg ak semangat nk blajar..xmcm o&g,tiap2 ari ak dgr word yg xbest..semangat pun ilang..ak slalu ingat ni " Allah tidak akan membebankan hambaNya melainkan Dia tahu kemampuan hambaNya"

mlm ni ak nk merehatkan diri setelah asyik meeting je..huhu..kalo ikutkan hati td, nk je ikut han kuar,tp masalah nya ada plak makhluk Allah yg ak xleh ngadap muke dia langsung..bercakap apatah lg..drp spoil ak punye masa free ni, bek ak duk je kt blik..len kali je la ak kuar ngn han..huhu..kdg2 ak rasa xbaik plak sdgkan kitorng baik je sblm ni,tp skg bercakap sepatah pun susah..dia pn cm asyik ngelak je dr bertentang mata dgn ak..biarlah mata menentukan segalanya..

rindunye nk blk umah..nape la ble da makin besar jd makin homesick plak..dlu masa duk asrama xde la mcm ni..sejak kejadian yg terjadi aritu,ak hilang kepercayaan terhadap org..tu la, xingt apa yg penah berlaku masa skola dlu..kan da terkena skali lg..tp mana ak nk tau apa yg akan terjadi..tu Allah yg tentukan.."belajarlah dari pengalaman dan jgn lupa sejarah"