dun attach to anybody..

hurm..previous experience really teach me a lot..

i always try to get along with someone..

i just want to feel sense of belonging..

but i should surrender..

i realized that better for me not to know someone deeply

(this is for friendship only)hehe..

i always assume that everyone is very good n nice..

one of my friend always remind me dun think like that..

becoz it will make me disappointed when i get to know them more..

even the most close friend i had since matriculation sometimes makes me down..

hurm..yes i know she is almost perfect girl..

she is what we called beauty with the brain..

but for me,that's not really enough to call perfect..

her attitude, her words really meant something to me..

i know u are beautiful,

but plz dun compare me to other guys that u are really beautiful than me..

everyone knows that u are beautiful,

but plz dun mention it in words that u are more beautiful than me..

it hurts me..

i think i know u very well..

but at the moment i heard that words,

i know that i'm wrong..

i dun really know u..

hurm..and sometimes..

i really feel down..

i know u are smarter than me..

but plz believe me if i'm teaching someone..

dun think that u know everything and i know nothing..

after that thing happened,

i prefer to go clerking or clinic alone..

i just dun want to let you makes me feel down..

afterall, i gain back my confidence when i'm alone..

now let's talk about other people..

i realized that i shouldn't msg them..

maybe i'm the one who need them,

but they dun need me..

they only will msg me if they need something from me..

i always feel that,

everyone has their own agenda,

so that they will close to u..

if not,

they will just ignore u..

this looks like my upset mood...

at the end of the day,

i realized that i no longer having best friend..

becoz me myself refused to have one..

i create barrier..so that i will not fully attach to everyone..

it's enough for me to had 2 times bad experience..

i dun want to go through it again..

without realizing it..

almost last day i'm posted in hukm for surgery..

i'll be leaving for teluk intan weeks..

but we still had teaching at 2pm..

and yet i still try to update my blog..

actually..i dun really update for other people to know..

i do update for myself..

i know..

one day,i'll be missing my medical student life..

so i wrote here to leave some sweet and bitter memories..

becoz i'm the who not responsible to present the case,

so i went back..hahaha

i did like what other people did on me..

hehe..what i can say..

today i manage to observe FNAC of thyroid..

n manage to take blood successfully..

thinking of teaching..

i'm the only one who manage to do long case and short case..

alhamdulliah..

i hope this will be a good practice for me..

becoz in internal med posting,

i didn't had chance to perform the short case in front of lecturer..

although we had 3 teaching,

all the session is coincidentally my patient..

so lecturer not allow me to do that..

but,by doing that teaching,

i realized how fortunate i am..

becoz my patient is all good cases for exam..

not only for one system,

but for all system..

lucky that that is my patient,

so i can examine very well and teach my friend..

so lazy to pack things to go to teluk intan~

day by day..

after a complete bed rest yesterday..

i still not recover from migraine..

but i still come to morning round and CME..

but after that,

i felt that my migraine worsening again..

i became sensitive to light and sound..

even if i'm talking,

i felt really nausea..

so, i decided that i can't join ENB clinic..

i go back to the ward,

searching for PCM..

but i can't find any..

so i went down to pharmacy..

in the lift..

i met one of our team registrar..

he ask, " how are you today?"

i'm blur..

"are u talking to me?"

he said,"yes,how are u?"

"i think i'm fine"

he answered,"but,u dun look fine,if u not well,just go back and rest,it's ok"

i just said ok

deep in my heart..

am i look really unwell?

hahaha..but after that,

i straight away taking PCM..

i'm thinking back..

should i go back?

but we got teaching at 12.30..

and i'm the one who supposed to present..

so,it's not fair if suddenly i din't turn up..

so i decided to rest in the surau..

at least taking a short nap..

then teaching wit one of my supervisor..a neurosurgeon..

i never had teaching wit him before..

i present a case regarding per rectal bleeding..

at last,he comment on my presentation..

"i think u can improved,

with this kind of presentation,

you should be able to pass ur exam,

it's very difficult for examiner to fail u,

but if u can answer some of my question just now,

u can get distinction"

at least,i know that i can pass..

becoz i always think can i do well in exam?

after that,

we got seminar on thyroid ca..

i only can listen half of the seminar..

then my throbbing headache come again..

then,i supposed to go for oncall..

but i go back becoz severe headache..

i sleep until 7pm when i received msg from my fren..

they ask me to come to the ward

with sleepiness,i went to ward..

following ward round with hungry stomach..

luckily i bring along some choc..

then during ward round,

my registrar ask me about hidradenitis suppurativa..

hehe..i dun really know..

but the doctor said,

never mind,read then tell me..

after that,

he ask me..

"rasa mcm kenal la..penah dtg seminar mr faizi ke?"

"muka mcm penah nmpak je"

haha..ak xtau la nape org slalu ckp mcm penah jumpe ak..

even my junior also said my face very familiar to someone..

weird...........

but then, i go back fromm oncall very early..at 10pm..

becoz my throbbing headache started again..

quote of the day

"life is short,dun make it shorter"

"learning should be fun"

"the most common mistake is your stupidity"

the most stupidity things is not knowing that u are stupid"

keresahan hati..

Allahuakbar..aku xdpt cari punca..

mengapa aku berasa begini..

rasa dada berdebar2 pn ada..

mixed feeling..

harini mcm2 benda jadi..

semalam..one of my group member..

asking our prof for teaching..

then prof said ward round 2.15pm..

so we did go to the ward..

waiting and waiting..

till 4 o'clock..

but we still didn't see prof..

it almost 2 hours..

should we waiting more?

at last..

we decided to go back..

urm..

unfortunately..today..we know that prof did come..

at 4.30pm..

urm..is it really our fault for not waiting???

aren't we looks like very lazy??

it depends on u to judge us

i dun care what ever..

but i'm sick of waiting..

i know u are now at high level..

we only medical student..

but remember that we are human also..

then during OT time..

prof did ask..

where are u all yesterday?

we just admit that we did wait for him..

almost 2 hours..

then prof said..

if u want to learn,u come..

if u dun want,then no need to come..

but...

there is one foreigner registrar..

jadi batu api plak..

he said to prof..

i already told them that u'll come..

then tersengih2 dia tgk kitorg kena marah..

go to hell la mengapi2kan prof..

at that time..

i really felt demotivated..

why people always see the bad things only?why??

urm..i just felt i dun care whatever will happened after this..

i'm thinking too much of consequences..

suddenly prof ask..

whose patient is this?

luckily i remember well the case..

then prof ask me to scrub n assist the op..

urm..again..

some funny thing happened..

my fren did not tie properly my surgical gaun..

till prof ask the scrub nurse to put selotape on it..

everyone is laughing at me..

i dunno what should i response..

becoz i actually blur..

just a few minute before it,

i had bronchospasm..only relief after taking MDI ventolin

then i just pretend like nothing happened..

i was really quiet during assist the surgery..

i dun have any mood to do it..

luckily we need to wear mask..

if not, everyone can see how my facial expression..

then..one of registrar told another registrar to teach me..

the arrogant registrar said..

budak ni diam je xtanya ape,msti la aku xajar..

the nice one said..

ajar jela sket..dia pn nk belajar..

dalam hati aku berkata2..

aku mmg xde mood nak blaja pn..

n i realize that i dun like surgery that much..

n i feel that i dun need to know much how the operate..

umr..again..something happened..

aku tlg cut the suture..

but the problem always arise as i'm left-handed..

dua tiga kali aku try gunting br putus..

yela,brapa kali sgt la aku dpt bt bnde ni..

mst la mnmpk janggal n kekok..

n the doctor n scrub nurse looks like want to scold me..

at last,

the doctor ask,

are u left-handed?

mmg aku left-handed..

slalu je ada problem kalo handle equipment..

then ptg pg OT lg..

ikutkan hati mmg aku xnk pg da..

tp terpaksa la..

urmm...dpt doctor arrogant lg..

ntahla..he keeps telling that,

if he is in kkm hospital,

dia da halau da doctor mcm ni..

kdg2 i wonder..

why org suke men halau2 ni?

if people dunno,

just teach..

so that next time they now..

kalo men halau je,

sampai ble pn xpandai..

aku pk jugak..

nape la mentality org mcm ni..

keep treat org sesuka hati,

men marah2,campak2 case note..

treat people nicely la..

so that everyone will work in happy environment..

maybe during u time u had been treated like that..

tp nape nk jadikan mcm tradisi dan membalas dendam??

pelik la manusia mcm ni..apa punya hati la..

mcm xmatang plak..

yela mcm zaman duk kt asrama plak..

yg senior ragging junior..

mcm2 btol la manusia ni..

then da habis pening kepala pasal belajar,

pening kepala n serabut pasal personal things..

hurm..

kwn2 or junior keep asking me everyday..

bile nk kawin?

pelik btol..

mcm la aku ni duk berkepit..

padahal jumpa pn once in a blue moon..

it's not that aku xnk kawin..

tp xdpt consent lg,nk bt mcm mana..

jgnla tiap2 hari pn asyik nk tanye aku..

penat nk jwb..

ntahla..tp mmg rasa sgt tensen..

xsabar nk pegi teluk intan..

kegilaan aku pada jubah yg cantik2

aku suka sgt yg warna biru muda tu..

design kaftan ni sgt cantik..

semi kaftan..so xnmpk sgt tgn dia besat gile

baju ni plak aku ske sgt dia punye sulaman..

rasanya ni sulaman riben..

dari hari tu nk blajar jahit,

xtersempat plak..

design baju ni sgt cantik..

potongan bj mcm ni nampak lg slim..

n combination warna yg menarik..

plus hiasan bunga..

potongan jubah ni simple je..

tp aku suka sgt beading dia..

really glamour..

fabrik dia dari silk..

menambahkan lg seri baju ni..

suka sgt baju ni

penuh dgn sulaman dan batu..

aku mmg suka baju yg byk hiasan ni..

suka sgt tgk jubah online..

nak bli...

tp sayang duit..

dapat tgk pn jadi la..

nnt aku da keje ada byk duit,

ak nk spend duit bli dress cantik2..

berangan je..hahaha..

walaupun tgk je,

hati aku da rasa cukup gembira..

somehow rasa tertekan..

rasa tertekan..

boleh x be aware dengan batasan pergaulan yg perlu dijaga?

boleh kalo nk panggil aku,

tp xperlu sampi men cuit2 tangan atau sentuh tgn or bahu aku sesuka hati..

i'm not ur wife

ini bkn kali pertama dia bt macam tu..

masa pertama kali tu,

aku ingt dia xsengaja..

tp bile da sehari sampi 4 5 kali,

ni bkn sengaja lagi dah..

ni mmg perangai dia ni..

aku mmg da meninggikan suara kt dia td

tp ak rasa untuk ckp perkara sebenar,

baik ak msg dia..

kang ak memalukan dia depan org lain..

ak sgt harap dia take note dgn teguran aku..

tp kalo xberubah,

ak mmg akan sound direct..

found out another...

hurm...sebenarnye aku melangkah ke wad dgn harapan hari ini lebih baik dr semalam..

ternyata memang lebih baik dr semalam..tp aku kena put effort la kan..

kalo berharap je mst xkan jadi pape..

scene 1:

ada ward round..

tp..........

kawan aku sorang ni ckp..

nisah,xpayah la ikut ward round..

xde guna pn..

bkn belajar pape..

tp dia silap..aku suka je blajar dr ward round..

sbb kalo ko xtau diagnosis,progression and plan untuk patient tu,

ko mmg xkan faham pape pn..sbb tu la ko rasa xberguna..

kalo ko xnk join ward round,

suka hati ko la..

tp jangan tarik org lain yg nk blajar..

iye aku tau aku xpandai mcm ko..

ko sendiri ckp kan aku ni xla pandai mana..

ko sorg jela yg pandai..

terpulang la pada ko..

overconfident is not good..that's the moral here..

scene 2:

lapa la pulak..tp ada teaching kul 10..

10 minit to 10 o'clock..

kawan aku ajak makan..dia ckp lapa..

tp ak ni refuse..

sebab ak da breakfast dan masih ada kuih dlm beg..

tp......

dia tarik tgn aku jgk..

dia ckp,ko kne ikut jgk aku breakfast..

sape suh ko breakfast awal..

do i need to follow u????

the moral..don't force others

scene 3:

while teaching..

doctor aku ni tnye pasal dumping syndrome..

bkn nk berlagak..

aku terbaca la semalam lps kwn aku soal aku..

lgpn mmg ak niat nk bc semalam..

aku citer la pasal sudden contraction of extracellular fluid into intestine causing syncopal attack and the symptoms untuk early dumping..

tu mmg ayat dlm buku la..

tp............

diorg sume gelakkan aku..

sampaikan aku rasa adakah aku telah explain something dgn bodoh nye?

absolutely not..sbb dalam buku ada..

pastu aku ckp pasal late dumping causing rebound hypoglycaemia..

td gelak,ni buat muka xpercaya plak..siap tnya btol ke ko ni?

aku geram btol..lastnye aku ckp,buka buku bc la..

kalo doctor x tnya,aku xkan bercakap..

the moral here, dun talk anything unless in exam..becoz ur fren won't believe u,they always think that only them know everything..

3 scene yg terjadi pada hari ini..

setakat ni la..

ak blk blik trus pas tu..ntahla..

ak irritable btol ..

at least pas tulis kt cni,

aku boleh blajar dgn aman..

xde la aku asyik pk aku ni bodoh sgt ke...

good and bad..

hari ni pegi ke wad dgn lebih bermotivasi..

dengan harapan dapat belajar lg banyak..

pg2 ada ward round..tp ak xpresent pn..dr minggu lepas tgk patient yg sama je

da la patient aku tinggal sorang je..

pas ward round,HO tanya nak amik darah x..

mstilah ak nak..da bosan xde benda nak buat..

dengan semangat nya ak nk pg buat..

malangnya fail..

nampak mcm senang,tp byk vein da x available..

mula la rasa down..benda senang pn xpas..

lg down ble inform HO,

dia ckp "korang ni amik darah pn xpas..biar btol?"

rasa sedih sket la..tp cuba bersemangat..

melangkah pergi ke klinik MIS

one of the surgeon is there..

tp xnampak pulak mr.azlan..

pas tau dia wujud kt klinik,

aku pn terus pg approach dia untuk join klinik dia..

dia bg la apalagi..

dia suh amik fail patient n do doctor job..

my doctor consider this as case presentation..

ak rasa best sbb he trust me to do that work..

pastu jadi la satu benda ni..

ak take turn la plak ngn kwn aku ni,

dgn harapan pasni aku dapat plak..

tp rupanye dia xnk take turn ngn aku pun..

siap suh aku amik fail lg..

mula2 aku bersabar lg..

pastu aku rasa mcm nk mengamuk..

sbb dia yg clerk patient,

tp bile nk tulis,

aku kena bg ayat untuk dia tulis sampai la management..

1st case aku sabar lagi..

aku bersangka baik..

mungkin dia baru nk belajar..

tapi ble da lepas tu,

ak da xleh sabar lg..

ak kuar klinik jap sbb kalo x,dia akan dependent kt aku..

sampailah muncul satu case ni..

mmg difficult la..

br dia nk bgn dari kerusi tu n suh ak sambung keje..

dalam hati aku ni sabar jela..

akhirnya ak mintak la sain ngn doctor..

then doctor ckp,

"nisah,next week,you xpayah tengok case da,you bagi dia tgk sume,jgn tolong dia da,becoz i think he need to improve his skill"

i'm glad..rupenya doctor perasan je apa yg jadi td..

bukan aku nk pandai sorang2..

but dun be too dependent on your friend..

i can teach you for the first time..

not every time i need to talk word by word what u need to write..

the bad things is i lost my matric card..

luckily i had another one matric card..

but i still wish that i can find it back..

hari raya qurban

urmm..sempena hari raya qurban ni,

ak decide xblk umah..

sbb nnt penat..

dgn jalan jem lg..

jd baik duduk diam2 kt cini..

lgpn mak pn kata,

xblk pn xpe..

nanti weekend blk,mkn la nasi impit n kuah kacang..

mak bekukan dln peti..

hahaha..mcm kelakar..tp tu la yg mak buat..

so anum pn duduk kt bilik aku..

dia ada exam esok..

kalo blk mmg sure xstudy..

melayan saiful je kejenye..

mula2 cdg arini nk kuar jalan2 g sogo n jalan TAR..

tapi bile pk blk,

xde keperluan pn nk pg sana..

lgpun sayang nk guna duit..hehe

so bgn pg2 lepas solat subuh,

ak pun pg basuh sume bju,

cuci toilet,bilik air n sinki..

pastu kemas umah..

puas hati..

bleh plak aku tertido pastu..

hadoi,pening kepala ak tertido lama2..

then pg lunch and beli air mineral..

pastu ak start bt report forensik versi BM

menggaru kepala aku buat..

xtau nk tukar dr medical term tu kepada BM..

susah sgt..

then ptg plak hantar anu blk upm blk..

ak plak sambung siapkan report..

siap pn akhirnye..

at least ada jugak keje berhasil dgn tahap kemalasan melampau ni

tapi anehnya..

ak xterasa mcm hari raay pn..

sebab cuti sehari je..

huhu..kedekut cuti betol..

padahal ramai je doktor2 n lecturer yang cuti..

nak buat mcm mana..

inilah pengorbanan yang perlu dilakukan

sempena masuk ke medical faculty..

hehe..terimalah dgn hati yang ikhlas..

***LEARN TO SACRIFICE***

some advice..

sekarang mood writing in malay..

hehe..tp sori..saya mungkin telah merosakkan bahasa..

yela,byk sgt short form..

tp suke hati la..hehe..ni saya punye blog..

td tibe2 terbaca satu status update kawan saya..

nampaknye dia marah kt parents dia..

pernahlah satu ketika dulu..

saya rasa mcm kecik hati sket kot ngn parent..

tp small matter je..

cuma saya ngada2..

tibe2 satu hari..

someone say to me..

walau apa pun yg jadi,

ingatlah jangan sekali2 marah dgn parents.

impress pulak saya..

dia siap cakap..

parent punye la byk pengorbanan untuk kite,

n kite mungkin byk bt parent tersinggung,

tp pernahkah parent kite nk marah xtentu pasal?

x kan la kot..

marah sebab sayang ada la kan..hehe

pastu skg tetibe saya teringat..

ada 'kawan' saya ni..

telah mengeluarkan kata2 "nisah,ko gemuk la,sbb tu lift bunyi"

pergh..ayat mmg menyakitkan hati..

saya rasa..sebagai kawan,xbaik tau aibkan kawan depan orang ramai..

jadi..walau macam mana orang cakap kt saya dia tu da baik la skg..

saya tetap xkan percaya..

mungkin saya ni denial..hehe..

mmg la da gemuk berbanding tulang rangka je dulu..

tp BMI not even overweight pn..

ni bukan denial ok?

hehe..ni kenyataan..hahaha..

sebenarnye byk jgk kot citer kt blog ni sebenarnye bercerita tentang 'kawan' saya tu..

tp nama dia biarlah rahsia..chewah..hehe

bukannya nk cerita untuk aibkan dia..

sebagai peringatan untuk diri sendiri..

supaya next time saya xtreat kawan saya mcmtu..

supaya saya sentiasa ingat untuk jaga hati orang lain..

lepastu..skg ni rasa teruk sgt..

sebab malas study..bukan la sbb apa pn..

tp td da sakit kepala sgt..

mendengar 5 seminar..

macam nk pecah kepala ni..

jd mlm ni kpla da xleh terima pape pn..

tp tgk citer korea boleh pulak..

study tu sgt2 penting..

tp kena ada masa rehat jgk tau..

daaa..gudnite~