teringat lagu ini~

Ahli Fiqir - Derita Merindu

Kau katakan cinta gunakan akal
Bila aku gunakan
Kau yang menyangkal
Bagaimana nak kekal
Kau katakan cinta gunakan minda
Bila aku gunakan
Kau yang tak percaya
Bagaimana nak bahagia

Maafmu tak bererti
Kau mudah sesali
Berulang kali telah kau mungkiri
Manis mulut berjanji terpedaya lagi
Menanti biar terus didustai

Chorus
Kaulah bahagia (bagiku)
Kaulah derita (bagimu)
Esok lusamu
Tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa

Dan aku cuba sedaya upaya
Telah ku usaha dengan sepenuh jiwa
Bagaimana hendak ku lupa
Bayangan wajahmu selalu di depan mata
Harum baumu masih dapat ku hidu
Bagaimana ingin aku membencimu
Jikalau setiap hari merindu
Sekiranya derita merinduimu
Itu sebenarnya bahagia
Aku pilih derita

Ulang Chorus

Mungkinkah esok atau lusa
Walau biarpun lama
Akan ku biar tiada
Ku tetap kan setia
Entah bila akan tiba
Sampai jua harimu yang sama
Esok seperti semalaman yang tak berubah

Kaulah tanda tanya
Kau tiada titik noktah
Ku dibuai mimpi lena
Dikejut igau semula
Kaulah tanda tanya
Kau tiada titik noktah
Ku dibuai mimpi lena
Dikejut igau semula

Seandainya kau berada di depan mata
Mudah untuk aku berkata-kata
Supaya dapatku melihat seraut wajahmu
Walaupun belum tentu kau mahu bertemu
Apalagi memandangku
Setelah ku turutkan segala kemahuan
Kau mainkan perasaan
Begitu mudah kau ucapkan
Terimalah saja kenyataan
Aku masih terkilan

Maafmu tak bererti kau mudah sesali
Berulang kali telah kau mungkiri
Manis mulut berjanji terpedaya lagi
Menanti biar terus didustai

Ulang Chorus 2X

Jika kau dapat memahami
Hati seorang perindu
Baru kau tahu derita hatiku
Jika suatu hari nanti giliran kau merindu
Baru kau ingat derita diriku
Segala yang berlaku bukan kemahuanku
Apa gunanya bahagia
Jikalau bahagia bersamamu
Hanyalah untuk sementara waktu
Aku pilih derita merinduimu

Maafmu tak bererti
Kau mudah sesali
Berulang kali telah kau mungkiri
Manis mulut berjanji terpedaya lagi
Menanti biar terus didustai

Ulang Chorus 2X

mode xde mood..

my good day already end..

hurm..what should i do?

study la.....haha

antara impian aku~

gambar secara random..

rasa best tgk gmbr2 ni..

teringin gile nk blajar buat cupcake..

mencari semangat yang hilang..

entah mengapa..

diriku hilang semangat..

begitu payah rupanya menghadapi kegagalan..

padahal hanya kegagalan yang kecil..

sangat kecil..

tula kalo xpernah gagal..

benda sekecil tu pu meruntuhkan semangat

tapi rupanya..

setelah berborak2 bersama kawan2..

barulah ku tahu..

mereka juga rasa apa yang aku rasa..

barulah aku tahu bahawa aku x keseorangan..

mereka juga menghadapi apa yang aku hadapi..

mereka juga rasa apa yang berlaku tidak adil..

tapi apa kami boleh buat..

terima sahaja apa yang terjadi..

walaupun pada hakikatnya kami mampu..

biarlah apa yang sudah terjadi..

pandanglah ke hadapan..

memang benar kata dia..

jika pandang ke belakang,

apa yang kita dapat??

kita xkan dapat merubah apa2 yang telah terjadi..

biarlah apa yang terjadi itu sebagai pengajaran..

sebagai ingatan yang kau perlu berusaha lagi..

tapi berkata di mulut memanglah mudah..

sedangkan hati yang melalui saat ini berasa sangat jerih..

tapi itulah hakikat yang perlu diterima..

pandanglah ke hadapan..dan terus maju ke hadapan..

semoga tabah dengan apa yang di tempuhi pada masa akan datang..

work load~

too much work to do..

this is all becoz i'm delay all my work..

hurm..that's ur own fault..

tonite i need to submit family case study and journal critic..

family case study almost finish..
however, i didn't do anything about journal critic..
just found it..
gonna to read and do it after terawih..

tensionnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...
too much thing to do

thinking of tomorrow~

tomorrow is my 2nd mini cex..

mixed feeling..

i'm scared to face it..

however..

today is a very good day..

which i learn a lot..

and at least i can answer when my doctor ask question..

so that i know my brain is actually functioning..

sometimes i dunno what i study..

i dunno what info that will stick in my mind..

pray for my success tomorrow..

i wish i can go home with happy heart..

no more sadness and failure..

take the past failure as a challenge..

Peace^_^

alhamdulillah..

today was very eventful day..

i glad that everything went smoothly..

i learnt that to have a good day, i must:

* think and looking forward for bright day

* dun forget to pray to Allah to have a good day

* dun feel down for anything that u failed to do b4..

in the morning..

i attend CME(continuous medical education)..

today's topic is about weight gain/ weight loss

then i waited for teaching..

from last nite,

i talked to myself that to build more confidence in myself,

i need to volunteer especially during teaching..

i'm glad that at last,

i could find my old spirit..

previously i'm the one that would like to volunteer in everything..

but i dunno why lately i'm so passive..

i'm happy that i could do it back..

i learned a lot..

doing respiratory examination..

and there is positive finding..

she had pneumonia..

then i do ear examination..

she had left perforated tympanic membrane

after that i do nose examination..

there is bilateral enlarged anterior turbinate..

because she had allergy rhinitis..

i take it as revision..

then go back to college..

since one of my frenz who promised to accompany me to do home visit cannot go,

so i decided to go alone..

although i know there may be dangerous for me..

but this the only time..

becoz i already promise to my patient..

so i drive alone to warisan cityview..

not far away..

easy to find..

luckily i 'm not lost..

after the home visit..

back to college..

then prepare to do tutorial..

and this evening..

i decided to join IFTAR at prof har's house in alam damai..

i hope everything will be blessed..

hard day~

i dunno why..

lately i feel so hard..

my life turning up and down..

after a long time i dun feel the 'failure'..

it is hard for me to recover..

although it is only a small failure..

i still feel the pain..

i still can remember each word..

i still can imagine the situation..

why it was so hard for me to forget it?

too many issues to think

1) home visit..at last i can't go to my patient's house..why i'm too nice to my friend?just bring her and not really care that she is 'using' u?

2) reflective writing..i wonder if prof didn't get my submission becoz she didn't reply it

3) study group..again this is issue come..i dunno..i really can't find study group but 'she' looks like forcing me to find the new one..plz..i can't adapt to it..

4) saman parking..hurm..wasted my money rm50 becoz parking in the wrong place near PPP bandar tasik selatan..

5) why i'm anhedonia to study?hahaha..not totally anhedonia..but i'm tired of studying..burn out..

6) mini cex..i scared that i will fail again..but be positive nisah..u can do it..Allah always with u..

7) i need to find new strategy to study..i'm bored..i want the most efficient one..

ok..it's nearly maghrib~

FAILED~

hurm..sad..very2 sad..

i dunno why..

it was a very simple case..

it happened again..but..

it was out of my control..

why the doctor listing the question that i already ask?

she said that i never ask..

when i heard that,

i know what actually going wrong here..

plz nisah..

dun be sad or cry..

u know that u have the knowledge..

just pray and pray..

everyhting will be ok..

an eventful day~

last nite i sleep after solat terawih..

i had bronchospasm..

i dunno what kind of allergen makes trouble for me..

end up wit piriton..

after taking piriton..

i collapsed..

although i told him to wake me up at 12am,

but i refuse to wake up becoz i was very drowsy..

in the morning..i

i still feel very drowsy..

walking subconsciously waiting for the bus to KK batu 14..

then meet one of my frenz,she is laughing at me..

becoz the way i walk..

i just feel irritated wit her..

i'm feeling not well but she is laughing at me..

hurm..i just dun like the scene..

then suddenly meet another my frenz..

everyone keep saying that i'm the one who said our exam is today..

i really blurred..

as far i remember, i never say that..

it is just becoz one of my frenz ask,

what if your exam tomorrow?

i just answer " relax la,take it easy"

the other frenz who heard this misinterpret that our exam is today..

that was not my fault..

i dun even mention our exam is tomorrow..

i dunno who spread the news..

then during walking to the bus,

someone step on my "kain baju kurung"

and i fall..

fortunately i manage to grab something to hold

then go to KK..

and we got teaching..

i'm sorry that i slipped my words..

i said "tak laku" to one of my fenz when he said he is out of market

i dun really want to condem him,

but it just a joke..

since he also always say such things to me,

but i'm not taking it seriously..

then i need to perform cranial nerve examination..

it is not smooth after long time ago i didn't practice

i hate this..

but it is ok for the purpose of learning..

the doctor give us one contact number who sale jubah..

we went to her house..

it was really nice n beautiful jubah..+ affordable..

but i dun have budget to buy jubah..

so, i just looking at it..

back to ppukm..

back to room for a while becoz i need to take nap..

i had headache..

then go to seminar presentation..

at first i feel that our seminar is not so good,

but at the end doctor tell that it is very good..

at least, i feel a big relief..

and now i'm worry about our exam tomorrow..

too many to cover..

psychiatry,ortho, ophthal,ent,etc..

since i never go through this posting,

this add up some more anxiety..

becoz i dunno how the exam will be conducted..

pray for me!!!!

hopefully we will pass the exam..amiin

Ramadhan..we meet again~

oh Ramadhan..

alhamdulillah..Allah give me opportunity to me you again..

i really love this moment..

as i enter Ramadhan..

my heart feel more calm..

totally in peace..

no more pain..

no other "alien" that will disturb me..

i really appreciate this month..

the only month that i can feel real life..

no wonder..other people having fun in their life

becoz i always wonder..

why my life is not like the others?

the answer is,

Allah doesn't want me to forget him..

the pain He give make me always remember Him..

Oh Allah the Almighty..

not my fault~

hurm..someone really makes me feel irritable..

i'm sorry that i had to be rude to you..

but u also need to watch out ur words..

if u dun take care of others sensitivity issues,

so i also no need to care for u..

well..i guess sometimes i need to be straightforward..

or else u will not understand and repeat the same stupid things..

urm..now i know everyone feel that i'm treat others too kind till the other "step on my head"(haha..dunno in english what)

the first thing that makes me feel irritable is

you repeat the same question which the others had beed explaining on it..

i know everyone want to go back early..

but if u can't focus,

u will waste more time and finally u go back late..

for me,it's really show that u are not focusing

i feel irritated for it..

then,u keep saying that,let me put hte dialogue..

i dun care if u read this, becoz this is my blog..

"ala,mcm mana nak buat?da xde masa.."

'sempat jela..byk masa lg'

"ko xde study group boleh la"

'so what?kalo ada study group xleh buat ke?"

"nanti nak semayang terawih lagi"

'jangan nak salahkan semayang terawih plak'

u keep complaining and find excuses..

i really hate this..

i really can't accept people who use pray or islamic ritual as an excuse..

do you really pray all the time?

do you really go to surau everyday?

why all of sudden u need to use this excuses when u have to do some work?

really irritating right?????

i'm so sorry that i had already talk "rude" to you..

but u also rude to me..

fair enough rite?

i hate end of my good day wit this stupid things..

help me!!!!

huhuhu.i hate this kind of feeling..

i'm feeling anxiety for no reason..

sometimes also tension and stress..

very blurrrrrrr...

everything mixed up..

i dun really "love" this posting..

i dun really can catch up the management..

it is not completely different..

but i'm not used to this posting style..

i dunno how deep i should know..

what i know is everything we need to know..

all of this make me feel i'm not ready yet..

professional exam is only within 5-6 months..

and yet i feel i've done nothing..

why i feel very bad?

so many things to read till i dunno what to read first..

and at last..

i read nothing and sleep..

that's how stress i'm..

afterall..

actually today we are free..

nothing to do..

but i went to PPP in bandar tasik selatan..

since i dun get patient for home visit..

well..after many rejection..

i feel so scared and lost my confidence to approach patient..

i almost gave up..

but then..

i tried to a approach this middle age man..

he was very forthcoming..

fortunately, he gave the permission for home visit..

at least, one of my target today was accomplished..

then,

back to my room..

searching for all my exam result from 1st yr till now..

since next week i have mentor mentee session..

finally, i found out all of them..

i'm very tired..

feeling not well..

last nite i got bronchospasm after eating kcg tanah..

i had noise breeathing and difficulty to breath..

however there was no rhonchi..

my frenz want to bring me to A&E..

but i refused..

becoz i just go there last week..

i decided to take piriton only..

then gradually feel better and i fall asleep till morning..

this evening i want to go home..

hope everything go smoothly..

and finally..

it's friday again^__^

u never know bad i feel.....

well..today i feel very bad..

i feel like want to scold someone..

dun u ever realize that all of u never concern what is really the matter?

it seems that u force me..

i know that i had been absent for many time..

it was unintention..

i do really have good reason for it..

becoz i need to prioritize which one is more important..

family comes first..

do i have to say NO to my mother just to satisfy all of u?

do i have to say NO to my younger siblings just becoz of ur program?

i also need some rest..

lately i always being not well..

it is difficult to explain here..

but believe me,

if u are in my condition,

u will not able to attend all the classes without any MC..

alhamdulillah i managed to go through all of these..

the pain only Allah knows..

u can never imagine it until u experienced it..

am i burnout???

urm..i dunno why..

lately i felt low mood and anhedonia towards study and reading books only..

hahaha..but,i love the practical works..

well..as u know, medicine is long life learning..

eventhough i know that our professional exam is really near (Mac 2011),

i still not having enough courage to study consistently..

actually i dun really have fear towards exam,

but i'm always thinking that am i able to be a safe doctor for my patient?

am i a competent doctor?

sometimes i felt that it is really big responsible that i need to face in future..

am i ready for it?

am i ready to sacrifice my energy and time for the sake of my job?

all these things make me scared..

sometimes it really hard for me..

sometimes i even think to the extend why i choose this profession?

even worse i think about changing profession..

but i know it is not worth if i change right now..

it's too late..

i always remind myself..dun ever feel regret for whatever you have chosen..

just go on with ur life..

everybody can be a doctor..

but make sure u become a SAFE and COMPETENT doctor..

in order to make it..

u need to study..theory is also important plus good clinical skills..

believes that u can do it!!!

post viral fever..

i dunno why..

after day 9 of fever..

i still feel malaise and bodyache..

fever on and off..still have cough with sputum..

i'm very tired facing all these things..

i can't focus to my study..

weakness all over..

my mind not competent to study during this period..

i sleep a lot especially after taking medication..

there are so many things left behind..

i have many assignment to do..

i just want to be healthy..

FLORIA 2010

ni la antara gambar gi floria aritu

still~

hurm..today i'm still having fever,cough,runny nose

plus myalgia and really lethargic..

forgot to ask for MC..

but it's ok la..

although not so many things i did today..

but i managed to performed IM antitetanus toxoid injection..

feel more confident after that..

i ask one of my friend to trace my fbc result..

today platelet rise to 258..

that's good..

no need to take blood anymore..

Hb 13.5 , WCC 9.3

hope everything will ok..

i want to get well soon..

i can't bear it anymore

week that full of sickness~

urm.this was very unpleasant for me..

to study in this condition..

it was really hard..

it was really terrible..

but i managed to go through..

with fever,runny nose, cough..

plus dizziness, chills, myalgia and arthralgia..

really painful everytime i move..

i can't believed that i didn't take any MC for that..

i'm very stubborn..

until he forced me to go to A&E..

i'm scared to see doctor..hahaha

funny right?

i'm scared thinking what doctor will do on me..

finally i go there with him..

thanks to him..

well..i'm so scared when the nurse said blood need to be taken..

branula pink..ouch..it's painful..haha..

but only little pain..hehe

then do CXR TRO PTB since i cough out blood streak sputum..

a little bit changes but i think it's fine

then go to pharmacy to take medication..

trace the result on the next day..

RP normal since i drink a lot of plain water

FBC..platelet drop a bit..142

but it's still ok..

another FBC be taken to monitor the progression

i think everything is fine..

i hope this fever will go away..